I converted to Islam 14 months ago. I married to a Turkish man and I am American.
He has yet to tell his family or friends in Turkey he has got married. He says his parents wouldn't approve or understand.
This is very upsetting to me. What should I do?
Assalamu `Alaykum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Babarakaatuhu Sister Rosemary,
The situation which you are in is quite common. At www.muslimconverts.com we have had many sisters posting on the forum this very question. Some sisters who have been through the same situation have replied to your post.
Sister Mary said:
Bismiallah ir Rahman ir Raheem
Assalamu Alaykum Dear Brothers & Sisters,
This is the first time that I have responded to any of the posts. However, I wanted to give some advice to sister Rosemary as I was in her position at one time. If your husband is not willing to tell his family in Turkey about you, when you pray and are in the sujood position (the position when your forehead & nose are touching the prayer carpet. This is when I always cry & pray & ask Allah SWT anything that I want or need. This is when we are the closest to our Creator.
My husband is Egyptian and he didn't want to tell his family about me as he was already married to a first wife. I was patient & asking Allah SWT for like 3 1/2 years that if I am to meet my husbands family, then please make it easy for me & let them accept me as a second wife.
My husbands family were always so against anyone in their family to have a second wife. Well, after being married for 3 1/2 years, I got a call from my husband to prepare myself (get ready to go outside of the house). So I did and there was a woman & a young lady with him. He introduced me & it was his sister and his niece. I was shocked but was so excited.
After 1 week I was taken to meet his mom & then eventually
the rest of the family. In fact not only did I meet them, we all loved each
other from the start. They all have asked me, why hasn't he (my husband)
introduced me earlier. I just told them that it was the Will of Allah & El Hamdolillah we have each other now. They are so good to me & they will do
anything for me, but I needed to have patience & accept that everything will
happen in the time that Allah SWT arranges. Sorry to make this so long.
Sister Romi wanted you to know that it does not matter what colour or race, nationality you are. As we are all the creation of Allah and we are born into families and in places were Allah chooses for us to be born in. She said "stop thinking that his parents will not accept you"
She further added that you should not despair. Instead you should put your trust in Allah, have a pure heart, pray to Allah, be a good Muslim and every thing will Inshaallah be fine. She added that hat she used to be a Christians, all her family are Christian and her uncle is even a priest. She went to church listened to what the priest said and then went back home without much benefit and this was just basically a habit of going there and coming back from childhood. She said " i never felt in my soul that I belong indeed to that religion "
With time she married. However the marriage was a disaster. After the marriage he changed and She says "he changed him self once we got married, he used to go out with his friends, missing nights from home, he cheated and hit me once, then i decided to leave him so i'm divorced for 4 years, have a child who is my soul and my flower,
After my divorce my mind was thinking about Islam. It was hard time for me,
with my child in my arms i went from my husband's house, he was crying but to
late for me, so i started a new life, work, kinder garden, pick my child, drop my
child, I was mother and father too for my child, i was very busy in that
period, I forgot who i am or what i can feel again. So, look here, i was
without hope, I was just praying for silence and a good life for
my child nothing more.
I never thought what happened that year in my life was possible. And you know what?
Allah opened doors for me and sent my love, my everything, my jaan Ali in my life.
A gorgeous father for my child and the best one. A marvellous husband for me and we belong to 2 different worlds, cultures, race, colours.
Since 8 April I'm a Muslim too and I am for me not because my husband is. I mean I do it for myself only."
She concluded that with sincerity of heart, love for your husband and trust in Allah. Everything will be fine InshaAllah and your in laws will also love you.
As I said we get many convert sisters complaining about this problem. The best thing to do is make dua to Allah. A Muslim is only better than another Muslim due to his/her piety.
A white Muslim is not better than a black Muslim. Nor is a black Muslim better than a white Muslim. Allah does not look at our skin colour, race, beauty, family, social status nor wealth. What Allah looks at is our soundness in belief and our piety.
Of course our belief should be sound before our piety can be judged. Therefore we should not do biddah. That is to say we should not do made up things in religion nor should we do things that can negate our Islam.
There are unfortunately many Muslims who do biddah and try to justify their biddah with feeble tricky excuses and there are even those who do shirk and try to convince others and delude themselves that it is not shirk.
Muslims today are very far away from the best generation of Muslims. The best generation of Muslims was the Prophet peace be upon him's generation. That is to say the first generation of Muslims. The Prophet peace be upon him and his companions. Some Muslims are further away from that ideal generation than others and thus either do not understand Islam correctly or they just do not want follow all of Islam and only follow some bits of Islam.
With regards to marriages. Those Muslims who hold onto un-Islamic concepts such as nationalism or tribalism will be devastated when their son or daughter marries someone of a different nationality, race or tribe. It is similar to how non-Muslim parents feel when their child converts to Islam. They have particular expectation for their child. Which may not be correct according to Islam Their fear their un-Islamic society may mock the whole family. Thus the may feel betrayed by their son marrying out of their race or tribe and may even think he has brought shame on the whole family.
Therefore it can be very difficult for some brothers to break such news to their family depending, on their family and society, They may have thought over and over again in their mind. How do I break this news to my parents?. How will they react. He may play out the scenes in his head and be filled with worries.
Of course this would not happen if his familie lived according to teachings of Islam. But realities is many families do not follow Islam fully.
Just like we understand that a brother or sister who converts to Islam may not be able to tell their parents right away about the good news of their conversion to Islam, likewise we should not expect a Muslim husband who may not have a very pious family announcing the good news of his marriage to a wonderful sister.
So sister be understanding and patient and supportive. Instead concentrate on learning your Islam and being a good wife.
Walikum Salaam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Babarakaatuhu