Chapter 3: The Muslim Woman and Her Parents
She treats them with kindness
and respect (birr)
One of the main distinguishing characteristics of the true Muslim woman is
her respectful and kind treatment of her parents. Islam encourages respect
towards and kind treatment of parents in many definitive texts of the Qur'an and
Sunnah; any Muslim woman who reads these texts has no choice but to adhere to
their teachings and treat her parents with kindness and respect, no matter what
the circumstances or the state of the relationship between daughter and parents.
She recognizes their status and knows
her duties towards them
From her reading of the Qur'an, the Muslim woman understands the high status
to which Allah (SWT) has raised parents, and that it is a status which mankind
has never known except in Islam, which has placed respect for parents just one
step below belief in Allah (SWT) and true worship of Him. Many ayat of
the Qur'an describe pleasing one's parents as coming second only to pleasing
Allah (SWT), and confirm that treating parents well is the best of good deeds
after having faith in Allah (SWT).
( Serve Allah, and join not any
partners with Him; and do good, to parents . . .) (Qur'an 4:36)
So
the Muslim woman who truly understands the teachings of her religion is kinder
and more respectful towards her parents than any other woman in the world; this
does not stop when she leaves the home to marry and start her own family, and
has her own, independent, busy life. Her respect and kindness towards her
parents are ongoing and will remain an important part of her behaviour until the
end of her life, in accordance with the Qur'anic teaching which has enjoined
kind treatment of parents for life, especially when they reach old age and
become incapacitated and are most in need of kind words and good care:
( Your Lord has decreed that you
worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one of both of
them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel
them, but address them in terms of honour. And, out of kindness, lower to them
the wing of humility, and say, `My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy even as they
cherished me in childhood.') (Qur'an
17:23-24)
The Muslim woman whose heart has been
illuminated with the light of Qur'anic guidance is always receptive and
responsive to this divine instruction, which she reads in the ayat that
enjoin good treatment of parents. So her kindness and respect towards them will
increase, and she will be even more devoted to serving them. She will do her
utmost to please them, even if she has a husband, house, children and other
responsibilities of her own:
( Serve Allah, and join not any
partners with Him; and do good - to parents . . .) (Qur'an 4:36)
( We have enjoined on man kindness to
parents . . .) (Qur'an 29:8)
( And We have enjoined on man [to be
good] to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him . . .) (Qur'an 31:14)
Anyone who looks into the Islamic sources regarding the kind
treatment of parents will also find plenty of Hadith that reinforce the message
of the ayat quoted above and reiterate the virtue of kindness and respect
towards one's parents, as well as warning against disobedience or mistreatment
of them for any reason whatsoever.
`Abdullah ibn Mas`ud said:
"I asked the Prophet (PBUH), `Which deed is most liked by Allah (SWT)?' He
said, `Prayer offered on time.' I asked him, `Then what?' He said, `Kindness and
respect towards parents.' I asked him, `Then what?' He said, `Jihad for
the sake of Allah (SWT).'"1The Prophet (PBUH), this great
educator, placed kindness and respect towards parents between two of the
greatest deeds in Islam: prayer offered on time and jihad for the sake of
Allah (SWT). Prayer is the pillar or foundation of the faith, and jihad
is the pinnacle of Islam. What a high status the Prophet (PBUH) has given to
parents!
A man came to the Prophet (PBUH) to "make bay`ah" and to pledge to
undertake hijrah and jihad in the hope of receiving reward from
Allah (SWT). The Prophet (PBUH) did not rush to accept his bay`ah, but
asked him, "Are either of your parents alive?" The man said, "Yes, both of
them." The Prophet (PBUH) asked, "And do you wish to receive reward from Allah
(SWT)?" The man replied, "Yes." So the kind-hearted and compassionate Prophet
(PBUH) told him, "Go back to your parents and keep them company in the best
possible way."2
According to a report narrated by Bukhari and Muslim, a man came and asked
the Prophet (PBUH) for permission to participate in jihad. He asked him,
"Are your parents alive?" The man said, "Yes," so the Prophet (PBUH) told him,
"So perform jihad by taking care of them."3
In the
midst of preparing his army for jihad, the Prophet (PBUH) did not forget
the weakness of parents and their claims on their children, so he gently
discouraged this volunteer and reminded him to take care of his parents, despite
the fact that he needed all the manpower he could get for the forthcoming
jihad. This is because he understood the importance of respect and kind
treatment of parents, and knew its position in the overall Islamic framework
that Allah (SWT) has designed for the well being and happiness of mankind.
When the mother of Sa`d ibn Abi Waqqas objected to her son's embracing Islam,
she told him: "Give up Islam, or I will go on hunger strike until I die. Then
you will feel shame before the Arabs, as they will say that he killed his
mother." Sa`d told her, "You should know that, by Allah (SWT), even if you had a
hundred souls, and they left your body one by one, I would never give up Islam."
Then Allah (SWT) revealed an ayah which the Prophet (PBUH) recited to the
Muslims, in which Sa`d was rebuked for the harshness of his reply to his mother:
( But if they strive to make you join
in worship with Me things of which you have no knowledge, obey them not; yet
bear them company in this life with justice [and consideration] . . .) (Qur'an 31:15)
The
story of the devoted worshipper Jurayj, which was told by the Prophet (PBUH), is
a vivid illustration of the importance of respecting one's parents and being
quick to obey them. One day his mother called him whilst he was praying, and he
wondered, "My Lord, my mother or my prayer?" He chose to continue his prayer
(rather than answering his mother). She called him a second time, but he
continued praying and did not answer her. Then she called him a third time, and
when he did not respond she prayed to Allah (SWT) not to let him die until he
had seen the face of a prostitute. There was a prostitute in that locality who
had committed adultery with a shepherd and become pregnant. When she realised
that she was with child, the shepherd told her: "If you are asked about the
father of the baby, say it is Jurayj, the devoted worshipper." This is what she
said, so the people went and destroyed the place where he used to pray. The
ruler brought him to the public square, and on the way Jurayj remembered his
mother's prayer and smiled. When he was brought forth to be punished, he asked
for permission to pray two rak`ahs, then he asked for the infant to be
brought forth and whispered in his ear, "Who is your father?" The infant said,
"My father is so-and-so, the shepherd."4 The people exclaimed "La
ilaha illa-Allah" and "Allahu akbar!" They told Jurayj, "We will rebuild
your prayer-place with silver and gold!" He said, "No, just rebuild it as it
was, with bricks and mortar." Concerning this story, which is reported by al
Bukhari, the Prophet (PBUH) said: "If Jurayj had sound knowledge, he would have
known that answering his mother was more important than continuing his
prayer."5 Hence the fuqaha' suggested that if one is praying a
nafil prayer and one of one's parents calls one, one is obliged to stop
one's prayer and answer them.
The duty to treat one's parents with kindness and respect sunk into the
consciousness of the Muslims, so they hastened to treat their parents well both
during their lives and after their deaths. There are many reports and Hadith
that indicate this, for example the report thatdescribes how a woman of Juhaynah
came to the Prophet (PBUH) and said: "My mother made a vow (nadhr) to
perform Hajj but she did not perform Hajj before she died. May I perform Hajj on
her behalf?" He said, "Yes, go and perform Hajj on her behalf. If you knew that
your mother had a debt, would you not pay it off for her? Pay off what is due to
Allah (SWT), for Allah (SWT) has more right to be paid off."6
According to a report given by Muslim, she asked, "She owed a month's
fasting, so may I fast on her behalf?" The Prophet (PBUH) said, "Fast on her
behalf." She said, "She never performed Hajj, so may I perform Hajj on her
behalf?" He said, "Perform Hajj on her behalf."7
She is kind and respectful towards her parents
even if they are not Muslim
The Prophet (PBUH) raised his teachings to a new peak when he enjoined his
followers to treat their parents with kindness and respect even if they were
adherents of a religion other than Islam. This is clear from the Hadith of Asma'
bint Abi Bakr al-Siddiq (PBUH), who said: "My mother came to me, and she was a
mushrik at the time of the Prophet (PBUH). I asked the Prophet (PBUH),
`My mother has come to me and needs my help, so should I help her?' He said,
`yes, keep in touch with your mother and help her.'"8The true
Muslim who understands the meaning of this Qur'anic guidance and the teachings
of the Prophet (PBUH) cannot but be the best and kindest of all people towards
his parents, at all times. This is the practice of the Sahabah and those
who followed them sincerely. A man asked Sa`id ibn Musayyab (RAA): "I understood
all of the ayah about kindness and respect towards parents, apart from
the phrase `but address them in terms of honour.' How can I address them in
terms of honour?" Sa`id replied: "It means that you should address them as a
servant addresses his master." Ibn Sirin (RAA) used to speak to his mother in a
soft voice, like that of a sick person, out of respect for her.
She is extremely reluctant to disobey them
Just as the Muslim woman hastens to treat her parents with kindness and
respect, she is also afraid to commit the sin of disobeying them, because she
realises the enormity of this sin which is counted as one of the major sins
(al-kaba'ir). She is aware of the frightening picture which Islam paints
of the one who disobeys her parents, and this stirs her conscience and softens
any hardness of heart or harsh feelings that she might be harbouring.
Islam draws a comparison between disobedience towards one's parents and the
crime of associating partners with Allah (SWT), just as it establishes a link
between true faith in Allah (SWT) and respectful treatment of parents.
Disobedience to one's parents is a heinous crime, which the true Muslim woman is
loath to commit, for it is the greatest of major sins and the worst of errors.
Abu Bakrah Nufay` ibn al-Harith said:
"The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) asked us three times, `Shall I tell you the
greatest sins?' We said, `Yes, O Messenger of Allah.' He said, `Associating
partners with Allah (SWT) and disobeying one's parents.'"9
Her mother comes first, then her father
Islam has encouraged respect and kindness towards parents. Some texts deal
with the mother and father separately, but taken all together, the texts enjoin
a healthy balance in children's attention to their parents, so that respect to
one parent will not be at the expense of the other. Some texts further confirm
that the mother should be given precedence over the father.
So, as we have seen, when a man came to give bay`ah and pledge to take
part in jihad, the Prophet (PBUH) asked him, "Are either of your parents
alive?" This indicates that the Muslim is obliged to treat both parents equally
well. Similarly, Asma' was ordered to keep in contact with her mushrik
mother.
A man came to the Prophet (PBUH) and asked him, "O Messenger of Allah
(SWT), who among people is most deserving of my good company?" He said, "Your
mother." The man asked, "Then who?" The Prophet (PBUH) said, "Your mother." The
man asked, "Then who?" The Prophet (PBUH) said, "Your mother." The man asked,
"Then who?" The Prophet (PBUH) said, "Then your father."10
This Hadith confirms that the Prophet (PBUH) gave precedence to
kind treatment of one's mother over kind treatment of one's father, and the
Sahabah used to remind the Muslims of this after the death of the Prophet
(PBUH). Ibn `Abbas, a great scholar and faqih of this ummah,
considered kind treatment of one's mother to be the best deed to bring one
closer to Allah (SWT). A man came to him and said, "I asked for a woman's hand
in marriage, and she refuse me. Someone else asked for her hand and she accepted
and married him. I felt jealous, so I killed her. Will my repentance be
accepted?" Ibn `Abbas asked, "Is your mother still alive?" He said, "No." So he
told him, "Repent to Allah (SWT) and do your best to draw close to Him."
`Ata' ibn Yassar, who narrated this report from Ibn `Abbas, said: "I went
and asked Ibn Abbas, `Why did you ask him if his mother was still alive?' He
said, `Because I know of no other deed that brings people closer to Allah (SWT)
than kind treatment and respect towards one's mother.'"11Imam
Bukhari opens his book al-Adab al-Mufrad with a chapter on respect and
kindness towards parents (birr al-walidayn), in which he places the
section on good treatment of the mother before that on good treatment of the
father, consistent with the teachings of the Prophet (PBUH).
The Qur'an evokes feelings of love and respect in the heart of the child, and
encourages him or her to treat parents well. It refers to the mother being given
precedence because of pregnancy and breast-feeding, and the pains and trials
that she suffers during these two stages, in a most gentle and compassionate
way. It recognizes her noble sacrifice and great tenderness and care:
( And We have enjoined on man [to be
good] to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in
years twain was his weaning: [hear the command]: `Show gratitude to Me and to
your parents: to Me is [your final] Goal.')
(Qur'an 31:14)
What supreme teaching! What
humane, compassionate direction: "Show gratitude to Me and to your parents."
Showing gratitude to parents for what they have done for their child comes
second only to showing gratitude to Allah (SWT), and is one of the best
righteous deeds. What a high status this religion gives to parents!
Ibn `Umar saw a Yemeni man circumambulating the Ka`bah, carrying his
mother. The man said to him, "I am like a tame camel for her: I have carried her
more than she carried me. Do you think I have paid her back, O Ibn `Umar?" He
replied, "No, not even one contraction!"12
Every time `Umar ibn al-Khattab (RAA) saw the reinforcements from Yemen, he
asked them, "Is Uways ibn `Amir among you?" - until he found Uways. He asked
him, "Are you Uways ibn `Amir?" Uways said, "Yes." `Umar asked, "Are you from
the clan of Murad in the tribe of Qaran?" Uways said, "Yes." `Umar asked, "Did
you have leprosy, then you were cured of it except for an area the size of a
dirham? Uways said, "Yes." `Umar asked, "Do you have a mother?" Uways
said, "Yes." `Umar said: "I heard the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) say: `There will
come to you with the reinforcements from Yemen a man called Uways ibn `Amir of
the clan of Murad from the tribe of Qaran. He had leprosy but has been cured of
it except for a spot the size of a dirham. He has a mother, and he has
always treated her with kindness and respect. If he prays to Allah (SWT), Allah
(SWT) will fulfil his wish. If you can ask him to pray for forgiveness for you,
then do so.' So ask Allah (SWT) to forgive me." Uways asked Allah (SWT) to
forgive him, then `Umar asked him, "Where are you going?" Uways said, "To
Kufah." `Umar said, "Shall I write a letter of recommendation for you to the
governor there?" Uways said, "I prefer to be anonymous among the
people."13
What a high status Uways reached by virtue of his
kindness and respect towards his mother, so that the Prophet (PBUH) recommended
his Sahabah to seek him out and ask him to prafor them!
All of this indicates the high status to which Islam has raised the position
of motherhood, and given the mother precedence over the father. At the same
time, Islam has given importance to both parents, and has enjoined kindness and
respect to both.
A woman may enjoy a life of ease and luxury in her husband's home, and may be
kept so busy with her husband and growing children that she has little time to
spare for her parents, and neglects to check on them and treat them well.
But the true Muslim woman is safe from such errors, as she reads the
recommendations of the Qur'an and Sunnah concerning parents. So she pays
attention to them, constantly checking on them and hastening to treat them well,
as much as her energy, time and circumstances permit, and as much as she can.
She treats them kindly
The Muslim woman who has embraced the values of Islam is kind and respectful
towards her parents, treating them well and choosing the best ways to speak to
them and deal with them. She speaks to them with all politeness and respect, and
surrounds them with all honour and care, lowering to them the wing of humility,
as commanded by Allah (SWT) in the Qur'an. She never utters a word of contempt
or complaint to them, no matter what the circumstances, always heeding the words
of Allah (SWT):
( Your Lord has decreed that you
worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one of both of
them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel
them, but address them in terms of honour. And, out of kindness, lower to them
the wing of humility, and say: `My Lord! Bestow on them Your mercy even as they
cherished me in childhood.') (Qur'an
17:23-24)
If one or both parents are deviating from
true Islam in some way, the dutiful Muslim daughter should, in this case,
approach them in a gentle and sensitive manner, so as to dissuade them from
their error. She should not condemn them harshly, but should try to convince
them with solid proof, sound logic, wise words and patience, until they turn to
the truth in which she believes.
The Muslim woman is required to treat her parents well, even if they are
mushrikin. She does not forget that she is obliged to treat them well in
spite of their shirk. Although she knows that shirk is the worst
of major sins, this does not prevent her from treating her parents well
according to the uniquely tolerant shari`ah of Islam:
( And We have enjoined on man [to be
good] to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in
years twain was his weaning: [hear the command], `Show gratitude to Me and to
your parents: to Me is [your final] Goal.' But if they strive to make you join
in worship with Me things of which you have no knowledge, obey them not; yet
bear them company in this life with justice [and consideration], and follow the
way of those who turn to Me [in love]: in the End the return of you all is to
Me, and I will tell you the truth [and meaning] of all that you did.) (Qur'an 31:14-15)
Kindness and respect towards parents is an important matter in
Islam, because it springs from the strongest of human ties, the bond of a child
to his or her mother and father. But this bond, great as it is, must come second
to the bonds of faith. If the parents are mushrikin, and order their son
or daughter to join them in their shirk, then the child must not obey
them. There is no obedience to a created being in disobeying the Creator; no
other bond may supersede that of faith and belief in Allah (SWT). However,
children are still obliged to honour and take care of their parents.
The Muslim woman is kind and respectful towards her parents in all
circumstances, and she spares no effort to make them happy, as much as she can
and within the limits of Islam. So she checks on them from time to time, offers
her services, visits them often and greets them with a cheerful smile, a loving
heart, delightful gifts and words of kindness.
This is how she cares for them during their lives. After their death, she
shows her love and respect by praying for them, giving charity on their behalf,
and paying off whatever debts they may owe to Allah (SWT) or to other people.
Treating parents with kindness and respect is one of the essential attitudes
of Muslim men and women. This noble attitude should be ongoing and should
continue, no matter how complicated life becomes, no matter how high the cost of
living rises, and no matter how many burdens or responsibilities a person has.
This attitude is an indication of the rich emotions that still exist in
Muslim lands, al-hamdu-lillah, and it is proof of the gratitude which
Muslim men and women feel towards the older generation which has made so many
sacrifices for them when they themselves were most in need of kind words,
consolation and a helping hand.
This attitude will protect a person, man or woman, from hard-heartedness and
ingratitude. What is more, it will open to them the gates of Paradise.
Footnotes:
- (Bukhari and Muslim), See Sharh al-Sunnah, 2/176, Kitab al-salat, bab fadl
al-salawat al-khams.
- (Bukhari and Muslim), See Riyad al-Salihin, 191, bab birr al-walidayn.
- See Riyad al-salihin, 191, bab birr al-walidayn
- This child is one of the three who spoke in the cradle. The other two are
'Isa ibn Maryam (Jesus the son of Mary) and the child who was with his mother
among the people of al-Ukhdud (the ditch). [Author]
- See Fath al-Bari, 3/78, Kitab al-'aml fi'l-salah, bab idha da'at al-umm
waladaha fi'l-salat, and 5/136, Kitab al-mazalim, bab idha hadama ha'itan
falyabni ghayrahu.
- See Fath al-Bari, 4/64, Kitab juz' al-sayd, bab al-hajj wa'l-nudhur.
- Sahih Muslim, 8/25, Kitab al-siyam, bab qada' al-sawm 'an al-mayit.
- (Bukhari and Muslim), See Sharh al-Sunnah, 13/13, Kitab al-birr
wa'l-silah, bab silat al-walid al-mushrik.
- (Bukhari and Muslim), See Sharh al-Sunnah, 13/15, Kitab al-birr
wa'l-silah, bab tahrim al-'uquq.
- (Bukhari and Muslim), See Sharh al-Sunnah, 13/4, Kitab al-birr wa'l-silah,
bab birr al-walidayn.
- Reported by Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad, 1/45, bab birr al-umm.
- Reported by Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad, 1/62, bab jaza' al-walidayn.
- See Sahih Muslim, 16/95, Kitab fada'il al-sahabah, bab min fada'l Uways
al-Qarani.